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爱情新解(8)Get real

本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛(其实这篇和爱情不是很相关,说不相关,还有点相关)

I was looking for happiness for as long as I could remember. But the most intense search started three years ago, at that time I went back to school after working for ten years. It was a wonderful and most fruitful two years. I had all the time I needed to read, think, reflect and interact with some bright people. But that was just the beginning of a lifelong search and self-actualization.

I had lots of dreams but they remained dreams until I started to realize them. Two people have transformed me from a dreamer to a doer.

Whenever I was asked about my hobby or dream, I would say I loved traveling; but the funny thing was I didn’t go anywhere. In 1998, I had a chat with a friend; he mentioned he had been to Tibet and that was a great experience. I looked up at him and said, “Wow, that is really cool. I wish I could go there.” “Why not?” he said, “If you want, I’ll be happy to go back again.” I was very excited with the fact that the dream and reality were so close. We laid out a budget and plan and took off a week later. In terms of preparation and planning, that trip turned out to be life threatening and nearly a total disaster. And yet what it brought to me was so profound and mysterious that I am still digesting.

When we first met, Ray asked me what I liked. I told him I loved traveling. “So where do you like to go?” I was a little startled by the specific question and said, “En…travel around the world”. “Well, the world is pretty big, so where would you like to go NOW?” I had no idea. I often thought about my dreams, but when I was pressed to answer, I realized my dreams didn’t have any substance. They were dreams, only in the night but never a reality during the day. “Europe” I replied, that was the first place that came to my mind. “Sounds good. Let’s do it.” So we went to Europe for 20 days.

I learned dreams were to be realized not just to be talked about. Yes, I understand there is a gap between dreams and reality; it takes effort and time, even courage to bridge that gap. While one needs to be realistic, remember that anything is possible.

Somebody told me I should “get real” with my life. I looked around and thought, “Which part of my life isn’t real?” Just because I like to watch the ocean and waves and took the year off doing that, does it mean I’m not real about my life? To me, it cannot be more real than doing what you want and enjoy doing. Sometimes, my mother would say the same thing, “Get a real life, you cannot be on vacation all the time. Find a job, buy a house and have a couple of kids, just like everybody else.” I would ask her, “Why do it the same way as everybody else? Life IS a long vacation and adventure. Are the people you are describing happier than me? Are you happier than me? No, having a 25-year mortgage is not what I want. I am happy to live in a one-bedroom apartment with a view, unlimited heat and nice furniture. What I want to do is to see the world and I am doing that.”

To me real life is an integration of dreams and reality, leisure and work, present and future, work life and retirement, heart and mind, love and family life. In a word, real life is an alignment between life and destiny. Any split between them creates unhappiness and lacks of fulfillment. You cannot have a dream and at the same time make decisions that take you in the opposite direction. Life is very real, because it has an end.

Hopefully the day when we are lying on our deathbed, we can say to ourselves, “Yes, I have done everything I wanted to do in my life and have no regrets that I spent an entire life doing what other people told or expected me to do.”

Before it is too late, let’s get real.


Thanks for reading
January 3, 2004 Hawaii更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
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Replies, comments and Discussions:

  • 枫下佳缘 / 情爱悠悠 / 爱情新解(8)Get real
    • 写的好! 饺子的文章总是让我有共鸣的感觉. ^_^ 我以前也总对别人说我喜欢旅游, 我现在才发现我总是懒得出门.
    • 现在就指定计划, 重游土狼多 ;)
      • a good plan! :P
    • 边看你的文章我就在想, 是不是爱情也是一样呢? 人们总是憧憬爱情, 但是当爱情来的时候就害怕而不敢承担了呢? :-)
      • hehe, right.
      • 我想不管你想要什么,最终的实现都要靠行动。出门和恋爱都一样吧:)
        • 还是不一样滴. :-) 我可以改变出门计划但是我改变不了爱情. 爱情说走就走. 我可以生活得很reality, 爱情和reality却总是打架. :-)
        • 不写了. 我自己已经搞不清楚自己在说什么了. :-(
    • good. Thanks.
    • 好,越来越FEMININITY乐:)//这篇没有"SO":P
      • so是黔驴技穷后的无可奈何的最后一招:P
    • So your goal had been to travel to places you dreamed about. Now that the most part of it has been "actualized". What's next? The goal is to find a new goal? :) How'bout settle down and start to contribute again?
      Live a normal family life and grow some new human beings is one way to do it. And to do well is harder than anyone would have expected.
      • You
        asked what I want to say:)
      • I agree with you. That is even harder to raise kids and do well...but if I cannot have both, I choose the one I am doing. :-)
        • 要得到,首先要失去
      • Being on the road is just a very specific goal. Following my heart is the ultimate goal I want to achieve. What after? I don't know yet, but I will know when the time comes.
        不要误解,我的意思不是否定其他生活方式。只是想说,我们应该把理想和现实结合起来,至少致力于结合起来。
        • 饺子已经totally西化了. :-)
          • 这叫西化?:)
            • 崇尚个人理想, 严重小资. :-)
              • 哦,又学一观点 :)
                • Kidding. :-)
    • 百忙中静心读了这一篇, 很具体, 也是你对现实和理想的进一步认识,原来我曾写过“人与神的对话”和“无路之路”,本打算过几天贴,现在你已全合成一篇了,还写的更顺!
      • 现在就贴吧:)
        • 4242~心动不如行动
          梦想不如现实?
        • :). 两篇还是E稿的大纲,转成可以见人的版再贴, 不过你的回答已很圆满:“Following my heart” 是“人与神的对话”篇,而 “ What after? I don't know yet, but I will know when the time comes” 是“无路之路“篇。真佩服你的灵气
          • 等你的贴子喽:)
            • 一定尽力克服最后关头移清别恋的毛病,坚持写完
    • 第一次真心希望能永生...
      • 有一个法子...去POLAND半夜逛...
        • ???
          • 据说那里是繁派尔的母地.
            • 那怎么叫永生啊。。。
              • immortal=???
                • 那至少
                  不是被人家钉个十字架,洒点圣水,又或是银制器具可以伤害甚至杀死的吧?
                  • 这不是捷径嘛...
    • "To me...real life is an alignment between life and destiny. Any split between them creates unhappiness and lacks of fulfillment." Now plz ask your heart and tell me the truth if you'd like:
      have you ever feel painful when you faced the stuff (like career, kids, etc.)you've given up (or going to give up)?

      I do believe you never regret your choice to give up and are satisfied with what you got. But...it's still painful, at least sometimes, eh?

      Don't tell me it never happened to you, I don't and won't never believe it since we're all human beings.

      Please don't put yourself at a high-end place. Everybody has their own life. I respect the ppl who has an extraordinary life, however, I repect those who live in an ordinary life more since it's probably harder than I could imagine.
      • I have been struggling for over 30 years...until recently I made peace with myself...
        Also I am not giving up my career, I will still rely on it to support myself when the day comes.

        In terms of kids...I have given lots of thoughs to it, and I don't regret.

        I am here to share my thoughts and experience...not putting myself at "a high-end place". I respect everybody's choice of life. The message I tried to convey was to those people who were not happy with their life, who had dreams and felt frustrated with the split between dreams and reality. Because I have been struggling, I thought I might have something to share with those people.

        I admire those people who have courage to live their dream too. It is they who have inspired me to follow my heart. Seemingly you are happy with your life. That is great!
        • O I C. After being struggling for over 30 years, you are ABOVE human being now. Good for you!
          • whatever as long as you are happy. Thanks for reading my post. Now I know who you are.
          • 好啦,难得RR今天早退,这个稀泥俺来和:把#1545720里两个YOU第一个改为WE,第二个改为US.都好了哈,哈哈.
            • 她早退的确是一大新闻。。。
              大家
              和为贵
        • I am happy that you made peace with yourself. Also, I hope you have a peace with yourself for your whole life.
          make a peace with yourself is unique with "心境". we also may be effected and changed in different work, life environments. peace is a stand point and "心境" is balance of different work, life environments.
          • Very true. :-)
    • 有时梦想是人类生存的希望, 真正的完美世界是不存在的, 你无法实现你的每一个梦想. 我觉得梦想和现实不是对立关系, 人类的幸福就是在不断地追求梦想中得以存在, 尽管有时明知这个梦想是不可求的.
      我同意你的观点, Let's do it. 很多人就这么做了, 但生活中有些事情往往是做了而不成功, 我觉得Let's pursue it更合适, 我们不仅需要做, 还要有做不成的心理准备. 但是不论怎样结果, pursue your dream 才能实现你的人生价值.
      • 嗯,同意你的说法。不过我已经不以成败论我的选择和梦想,但学会了be realistic....and instead of wanting something beyond my reach, I treasure what I have. 共勉!:)
    • “ I have been struggling for over 30 years...until recently I made peace with myself...”, 这已是很难得的了,很多人,包括很多杰出的人,要花去一生来柔和这些分裂(们),
      多数人还不成功,你多少已是幸运儿。任凭若水三千,你已可随取一瓢饮。一滴水喝下去,原来是历经多少江河!(我拙言)
    • For me to live like you is really thrilling thing. I was very brave before (having a lot of adventure), but I changed as tender after I set up family. So far family is beyond all of my dreams, and it is worthy.
      • Yeah...people have different dreams at different stage of their life. I remember my dream before I came to Canada was to have a house with a swimming pool and a swing...May everybody's dreams come true!:-)
        • Thank you for so nice replying. And I like your characters as a mature beautiful rosewood smiling. Happiness live in your heart.
          • Thanks, I like your poems too. They are easy to read and very sweet.:-)