本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Ray was born and raised in New York and his memories about China were Mao Tse Tung, one billion population, not enough food, nuclear weapons, great army surplus winter overcoats with a matching fur hat with a red star in the middle, and constant border conflict threats with Soviet Union. He remembered vividly in 1972 Nixon sent corn aid to China to help with their famine.
Jie was born and raised in Northeast of China and her memories about the US were the imperialists always wanted to overthrow China and the people there lived in the hell of capitalism, suppressed by the ruling class. What she was taught was to study hard and liberate them when the time was right.
Many years later, Ray and Jie met and fell in love. What they thought might be a connection between them was the corn flour. According to him, her life was saved by the old corn flour that would have been thrown away if it had not been for Nixon’s “generosity”. To her it was the bad tasting corn flour that made her decide to escape from her hometown and eventually from China. She still cannot eat any corn meal.
Other than the corn dispute, there was no common ground in their history. Once they got over the newness and excitement, they found it was necessary to redefine literally everything.
Yes, literally. She was using a different language. She had to learn all the names of everything that made up her daily encounters; otherwise they couldn't understand each other about even tangible things. Surprisingly she could get through the worst written GRE essays designated to be mind bending, but she didn't know all the simple words in everyday life, such as bucket, skillet, garlic press, spatula etc. Well, that was not very difficult, for a person who in her whole life had been through thousands of exams and tests that were designed for the sole purpose of killing memory cells. The most difficult part was to redefine those intangible things, such as love, relationship, marriage, responsibility, lifestyle, passion and the purpose of life. You name it.
It was quite frustrating in the beginning. Not until she came to the West and met him, did she realize how many presumptions she had had in her mind about almost everything. The definitions create our expectations and reactions. What a husband or wife’s responsibility should be, how we should live our life, how the other person should know the underlying meaning even if the literal meaning is the opposite. How the wife or husband should behave in front of their in-laws. Who should do what and when to do it is so clearly defined that we go through our life without noticing the unspoken and unwritten rules.
It didn’t work for them.
Eventually she started enjoying the redefinition process. It gave her an opportunity to reexamine her beliefs, assumptions and expectations. She couldn't take things for granted any more and she learned to challenge reasoning not only by its logic but also its assumptions, which were often ignored.
What is the most common problem in a relationship? Misunderstanding.
What is the most frequently given advice? Communicate.
The funny thing is, when a couple speaks the same language, they assume there is no language barrier between them. In fact, even if we grow up in a homogenous society and share beliefs we’ve held for generations, we still define things differently to some degree.
So how do we know we need to redefine our reality?
Well, when logic doesn’t produce a reasonable conclusion, it is time to reexamine our assumptions and definitions.
When we feel we hit a wall, it might be collisions between old definitions and new circumstances.
The most oblivious one is crisis, may it be relationship breaking-up, divorce, illness or death. Usually it is a collapse of our belief system and everything seems and feels not right. A simpler way is to question friction or irritation, because they might indicate a need for redefinition. Crisis is not always bad; by confronting it, we gain a precious opportunity to reexamine our life and make it better.
So?
So instead of asking “what’s new today?” when we wake up, we might want to ask “Hey, buddy, how are you defining your reality today?”
Ray responded, “How am I defining my reality today? Are you serious?!” I didn’t realize I was speaking out loud.
“It is up to you to decide how serious you want to take it” I winked and replied.
December 31, 2003 Hawaii
Coming…
爱情新解（6) Are you C type and O type?
爱情新解（7) Pain killer更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
Jie was born and raised in Northeast of China and her memories about the US were the imperialists always wanted to overthrow China and the people there lived in the hell of capitalism, suppressed by the ruling class. What she was taught was to study hard and liberate them when the time was right.
Many years later, Ray and Jie met and fell in love. What they thought might be a connection between them was the corn flour. According to him, her life was saved by the old corn flour that would have been thrown away if it had not been for Nixon’s “generosity”. To her it was the bad tasting corn flour that made her decide to escape from her hometown and eventually from China. She still cannot eat any corn meal.
Other than the corn dispute, there was no common ground in their history. Once they got over the newness and excitement, they found it was necessary to redefine literally everything.
Yes, literally. She was using a different language. She had to learn all the names of everything that made up her daily encounters; otherwise they couldn't understand each other about even tangible things. Surprisingly she could get through the worst written GRE essays designated to be mind bending, but she didn't know all the simple words in everyday life, such as bucket, skillet, garlic press, spatula etc. Well, that was not very difficult, for a person who in her whole life had been through thousands of exams and tests that were designed for the sole purpose of killing memory cells. The most difficult part was to redefine those intangible things, such as love, relationship, marriage, responsibility, lifestyle, passion and the purpose of life. You name it.
It was quite frustrating in the beginning. Not until she came to the West and met him, did she realize how many presumptions she had had in her mind about almost everything. The definitions create our expectations and reactions. What a husband or wife’s responsibility should be, how we should live our life, how the other person should know the underlying meaning even if the literal meaning is the opposite. How the wife or husband should behave in front of their in-laws. Who should do what and when to do it is so clearly defined that we go through our life without noticing the unspoken and unwritten rules.
It didn’t work for them.
Eventually she started enjoying the redefinition process. It gave her an opportunity to reexamine her beliefs, assumptions and expectations. She couldn't take things for granted any more and she learned to challenge reasoning not only by its logic but also its assumptions, which were often ignored.
What is the most common problem in a relationship? Misunderstanding.
What is the most frequently given advice? Communicate.
The funny thing is, when a couple speaks the same language, they assume there is no language barrier between them. In fact, even if we grow up in a homogenous society and share beliefs we’ve held for generations, we still define things differently to some degree.
So how do we know we need to redefine our reality?
Well, when logic doesn’t produce a reasonable conclusion, it is time to reexamine our assumptions and definitions.
When we feel we hit a wall, it might be collisions between old definitions and new circumstances.
The most oblivious one is crisis, may it be relationship breaking-up, divorce, illness or death. Usually it is a collapse of our belief system and everything seems and feels not right. A simpler way is to question friction or irritation, because they might indicate a need for redefinition. Crisis is not always bad; by confronting it, we gain a precious opportunity to reexamine our life and make it better.
So?
So instead of asking “what’s new today?” when we wake up, we might want to ask “Hey, buddy, how are you defining your reality today?”
Ray responded, “How am I defining my reality today? Are you serious?!” I didn’t realize I was speaking out loud.
“It is up to you to decide how serious you want to take it” I winked and replied.
December 31, 2003 Hawaii
Coming…
爱情新解（6) Are you C type and O type?
爱情新解（7) Pain killer更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net